Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
