Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
How's work?
Spinning.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
This is the high leading the old right now
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
