I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
