I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
