omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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