I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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