so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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