Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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