so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
