haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We left an ass print on the piano.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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