I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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