well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
