I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
