I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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