He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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