Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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