And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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