i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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