I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
