i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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