Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
