Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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