I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Randomize
