laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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