dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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