Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
