For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
