I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize