me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Randomize
