I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
