I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Is Oprah even human
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
