Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
