i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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