saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
