Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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