Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
