She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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