Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
