Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
That accounts for only three of the penises
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
