I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
