she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
