I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
