Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
