I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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