it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
