hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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