I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
