your room smells of hookers.
And success
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
