I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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