I'm going to jail i love you
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
