My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Vodka?
Forever.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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