Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
