Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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