my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
